Destructive Writing

Self indulgent crap. Do not read.

Oh wow so this is hard. I want to write clearly about confusion … and this is not my first attempt. Simply, the ‘artworks’ are tidy but my mind is a mess, and I wonder whether some value is lost in the edit, if I am editing. I already see this attempt failing again. I’m not sure why but I want to express this confusion clearly. I could simply write it somehow… but traditional ‘stream of consciousness’ here would be fake: nobody thinks in typed linear English, however nonsensical. My thoughts come in lumps or not at all, like a dam breaking and reforming with rubble and flow all at once. That sounds nice. I am trying to edit my thoughts lightly.

A dozen versions precede this, all attempting to show the confusion by under-refining this text. I have now chosen (as I always do) to refine this public version in the hope of being understood. I can’t shake this ideology of progress.

Version 13, then.

Recent works are highly refined, calibrated and controlled (like this). In contrast my work places i.e. my laptop, studio and stacks of paper are an impenetrable mess of scribbled ideas and chaos. Everything I make, the way I talk and the way I write is precise… but my mind is nothing but confusion. I am approaching what others call art as a rationalist, that’s just my thing. And I expect to make progress.

How do I explain to you my practice, which I increasingly understand as an expression of my pathological need for control and control, without killing your ability to engage? I guess it doesn’t matter. Perhaps this isn’t a blog post but a confession… alright let’s run with that for a while.*

You’ve been a great crowd.

*And I keep coming back to edit this.